I-D'oh-ho

It was the worst of times (period) Dickens would roll over in his grave had he had the same trip to Idaho that I had. Recovered from transcripts taken from the dumpster outside the National Enquirer headquarters, I present to you the exciting true story of how my car caught on fire.

It started out as a simple day trip to Idaho to visit my brother in law. We planned to drive out to Utah on Friday night, visit Shane, my mechanic and have him fix the brakes on my car. Saturday we were to head to ID to visit my brother in law. Sunday drive home, return to work on Monday. Simple right? I’ve never had trouble with my car before and a simple brake tweak was in order.

So Friday evening we head out and make the 8 hour drive to UT to visit Shane. We roll in about 12:30 just exhausted. After calming the baby we get to bed and sleep prepared to go to ID in the morning after the brakes get fixed…or so we thought.

I wake up to my cool new ringtone, which though cool, uses more battery power than vibrate (yes this will become relevant) I wasn’t in time to answer, but it turns out it’s the old landlords on my place here in Silverthorne, informing me that the pipes in my house have frozen! And to make matters worse, they are unable to install my cable on my television. A curt message later, I’m on the hook for any damage that may occur from busted pipes and a scolding for not turning up the heat. Great way to start a “vacation.”

Oh well, no vacation can be perfect, I can deal with that…oh had I known! This was the rubber ball at the center of the baseball of my life- surrounded by yarn and string and a durable leather core with 108 stitches- which was all about to come unraveled.

Well I get the brakes fixed. Which is good because now I can stop, which turned out not to be so good. Oh yeah, while I was waiting for the brakes to get fixed I lost to my wife and my 11 year old niece in Wii Boxing (in consecutive rounds!) which bruised my already damaged ego. Finally we are on our way to the Northern Kingdom of Rexburg, ID.

Whoops, uh-oh we forgot our toothbrushes back in Kaysville, UT. So we exit in Ogden and turn around and head back. We pull in and I run in get the toothbrushes and my wife turns off the car and checks on Joseph. I come back out and we get ready to go. Key in the ignition-clutch in, turn key and…..rrrrrrrrrr. No start. Try again, no engine starting, just churning. So fortunately we were at Shane’s house and he comes out and has a gander. He finds the circumstances suspicious but sprays in some starter fluid and it starts right up. He says “probably a fluke” and gives us the bottle of starting fluid “just in case.”

So we head out to Rexburg, ID for real, not thinking too much of the “fluke” start up….Until we arrive at our first stop light in Idaho. Upon stopping, WHOOOM car died, car not starting. So we spray and it starts up. So we continue on. We arrive in Beautiful (read: dreary) Rexburg and we take a walk and visit some people. Later we decided were hungry so we head to the store to get some food. So we hop in the car and…rrrrrrrrr. No start. No problem we’ll just spray it. So we spray, and VROOOM it starts up great. So we head up the street and get to a stop sign, where the car dies.

Now I know most of you are reading this story for under the promise of seeing my car engulfed in flames! Well strap yourself in and put your flame retardant gear on because here it comes.

So I’m in the back taking care of Joseph who is delightfully oblivious to all of this. My Brother-in-Law Carl gets out and sprays the fluid. My wife turns the key. Nothing happens. More spray, more key-turning. Nothing. More spray. Nothing. So we wait a second. Everyone is in the car and then, 1 more key turn and…

Somewhere the birds sing, somewhere there are rainbows. Somewhere life has joy, and people fall in love and children skip on their way home from school- but not in mudville!

I look up to see bright orange flames spewing from my car. As only someone who had their pipes broken and lost to two girls in boxing could say I say, “oh look the car is on fire.” Carl says, “yep, we’ve got flames” So he hops out and removes the offending piece of engine and tosses it in the snow. He pours snow on the rest of the engine. I look up, coyly smile and say, “hmmm my car is on fire.”

Well the flames get doused and we are thinking cool, I wonder if theres any car dealerships open at 11:00? Well through more spraying (yes my car was just on fire) we get the car started again and make it to the store and buy some food and make it back, never killing the engine.

So we cook the pizzas we bought. I put them on the rack to cook to serve up a delicious meal on this dreary day.

How was I supposed to know the pizzas were pre-cut?!! Of course as they heat the cuts are exposed and PLOP the pizza falls down onto the heating coil- hopelessly ruined! No pizza. Still hungry still stressed, and now no pizza!

Ah but it gets better! So Rexburg is a college town and the college is a privately held entity so they have the rule that In the “singles” housing men and women cannot sleep in the same building together- EVEN IF THEY’VE BEEN MARRIED FOR 4 YEARS AND HAVE A BABY! So I’m covered because were in Carl’s room but apparently we need to find a place for my own wife (and sister of the apt tenant) to sleep, in case impropriety happens. So we ask Carl’s fiancé if Leigh Anna can sleep at her place, and no joke, she says no. I’m thinking wow this gets better all the time. Did I mention my car was on fire?!!

So we track someone down who will accept the female passenger and now its time to take her over there. So were back to the car on fire thing. Of course the car won’t start and we exhaust all of our spray. Dead car. Freezing temps. No spray. Can’t stay at same house. Time to push.
So we take the car and push it into a local parking spot to get it off the middle of the road. But alas we get to a hill and are unable to push anymore. Thankfully we’re in a college town surrounded by bright, impressionable students. One of them has the bright idea to get Carl’s car and push the car into the spot. So we pull it over and get real close and “Hit it” VRROOOOOM, now we got 8 tires spinning needlessly in the snow. So then one of these geniuses says, hey lets get between the two cars, use Carl’s as leverage and traction and when the car starts to move we’ll have Carl give it some gas.

At this point I was hoping the cars would crush me but no such luck- somehow this plan actually works and we get the car off the street. So now I’m taking my wife over to the girls dorm in carl’s car. I drop her off. And head back. This is about 1:00 am in the same day when my pipes broke, I lost to 2 girls in boxing, my car didn’t start, my pizza was ruined and oh yeah…my car caught on fire! So I’m heading home and uh-oh ice up ahead- uh-oh I’m drifting. Uh-oh I’ve drifted into a snow bank. Uh-oh I’m spinning. I can’t move. I’m stuck. No reverse no forward. Stuck.

So remember that movie 28 Days Later? Well this Zombie dorm resident descends upon me and says “hey you need some help?” That would be nice. So she pushes but alas, still stuck. I’m not too upset because hey at least this car isn’t on fire. Eventually zombie students descend upon the car and there’s enough to dig me out. I make it home around 2:00. I call MJ to relate the improbable story and to say I won’t be in. Well thanks to my cool ring tone it was the last call before my phone dies. And guess what I forgot to bring? Phone charger.

Anyway so the next day I get up to go pick up Leigh Anna and head over to the temple which was one of the reasons we came. So I think “hey I had this crazy dream where my car caught on fire” musta been a dream right. So I get to my car, turn the ignition and whamo starts right up. Great! So I pick her up we do our business in the temple and now its time to leave. Get in the car- yep, no dream- it won’t start up. We try and try, nothing. So I get sent into “town” to find checkers to buy some more starter fluid. Only trouble is I’ve never been to this town so of course I get lost. (and of course after getting snuck in the snow, by this time I expected this to happen)

I eventually make it back (sans starting fluid) and the friendly Idahoan informs me he had some spray all along. So after spraying almost the entire bottle while cranking the engine a miracle- the sound of an engine turning over and catching- even better the engine was mine! We got one last start out of it so I gathered my family and we kept driving until we were back at good old Shane’s house. Where he examined the pyre and asked “what did you do?” Look I’m not the one who “fixed” my brakes! Anyway he orders the part and the labor and arrival of the parts didn’t finish until about 8:00 Monday. So after the previous days events we decided not to drive through snowy windy Wyoming arriving in denver at about 5 am so I use Leigh Anna’s last cell phone bar to call MJ and relate the rest of my unfortunate events.

So when its cold outside, and life’s got you down, and the doldrums of daily life have you questioning everything- take solace in the fact that your car is not on fire.